Ten Things That Burn My Biscuits

I have ten things that burn my biscuits. Actually, I lied. (You’re supposed to lie on the Internet, aren’t you? It’s the Internet.)

ethan holmes burned-biscuits

I have way more than ten things that burn my biscuits. I’m going to limit it to ten things just so you don’t burn your biscuits.

10- The latest thing to burn my biscuits is the biggest news story of the last few months, Donald Trump. I’d like to say I don’t understand why millions of people are going to the polls and voting for Mr. Trump, but I do. Okay, so he shoots his mouth off and says things you wish you could say to your least favorite politicians and leaders. But take a man who has declared bankruptcy three times, starts fake universities, can’t stay married to the same woman and can’t control himself and make him president of the country??? Now politicians are jumping on the Trump bandwagon and endorsing this blowhard. Go figure.

9- Watching novels, (and I use the term loosely,) like Fifty Shades of Garbage get published, made into a movie and make the ‘author’ filthy rich burns my biscuits until you can’t tell they were biscuits.

8- Realizing that people no longer use the amazing technological devices they are addicted to for anything intelligent or educational. E-readers, tablets and so-called ‘smartphones’ have become nothing more than gaming, texting and photo devices.

7- Something as stupid as a “selfie stick” can turn you into a millionaire over night.

ethan holmes selfie stick

6- It burns my biscuits to know beyond any uncertainty that the only way to get the notoriety required to become a ‘successful’ author is to get on social networking and do the following; get naked, do something stupid that nearly kills you, post photos of your pet licking the inside of your mouth out.

5- People who absolutely, positively must be ahead of you in traffic, no matter what, are enough to burn anyone’s biscuits.

4- People who won’t put their phones down no matter what. I actually watched a guy go into a public restroom, desperately clutching his phone in one hand. He used the urinal while conversing, went over to the sink and rinsed his free hand, wiped it on his pants and walked out while still talking. I watch them wander into my lane, bash me with their shopping carts and try to converse or text while shoving food in their face. Yikes!

3- You want to burn my biscuits? Change your mind 42 times. I’ve worked retail, run businesses and treated people to ice cream cones. If you can’t make up your mind in two minutes there are too many flavors for you.

ethan holmes ice cream

2- Burn my biscuits and call something anything but what it is. There is no such thing as thick or BBW when describing one’s figure. Thick is for steak or how you want your garlic bologna cut at the deli. The same goes for the phrase, ‘a few extra pounds’ or ‘smokes occasionally’. You either smoke or ya don’t!

1- Manners have disappeared along with the phone booth, the typewriter and the Dodo bird. It burns my biscuits when people can’t even come up with an ‘excuse me’ when they cut right across in front of you while you are looking to pick up something on a store shelf. Or better yet, hold the door open in a public place and watch six women pass through and not one of them can come up with a ‘thank you’.

That’s it, my biscuits are burned. Now I’m gonna make blueberry pancakes.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books, including his latest novel, Water, available in paperback as well as ebook.


Take a look at Ethan Holmes’ newest work in progress, The Town of Perfect, at

                                                               Amazon’s WriteOn


Disclaimer: All statements in this blog are solely the opinions of the author.



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Thankful on Thanksgiving

I’m thankful on Thanksgiving. Hell, I’m thankful on any day I wake up and see I’m still alive. I don’t really need a particular day to be grateful for some very simple things.

For instance, I’m grateful that I have food to eat every day, food of my own choosing, food that is healthy. Many in this country don’t and not just around this time of the year.

While millions are prepared to go out and spend millions on Christmas, millions of others line up for food. I am so very grateful that I don’t have to do this.

ethan holmes food bank line thanksgiving

The other day I was standing in a line at a grocery store and I watched as multiple patrons of the store became upset that they had to spend more than two minutes in the line to pay for their groceries. It occurred to me that perhaps they should be more grateful, thankful that they did not have to stand in the line above. Perhaps they should be thankful they don’t have to go hungry. They can literally walk into any one of the giant stores and buy anything they choose, eat it before they get out the door or take it home and cook it up in minutes. We go buy a package of tilapia at Costco, people in Bangladesh do this. Say thank you.


Harvesting prawns in the pond of Halim and his wife Aklima Begum in the village of Molmolia, Dumvnia, Khulna, Bangladesh. The boy is Solaiman, the sone of Halim. Halim hires this crew of men to pull the net through their pond next to their house to collect the prawns. The prawns are extremely valuable, so the family never eats them, instead selling them on the market where they probably end up in the European market. On average a family will net something like $1500-2000 a year from prawns.  Contact for Agricultural Information: Timothy Russell Email:  t.russell@irri.org Phone: +880 2 989  8011  Mobile: 01766931971 IRRI Bangladesh House 9, Road 2/2 Banani, Dhaka 1213 Bangladesh Other IRRI: Bushra Rahman Manager, Communications and Documentation IRRI Bangladesh Office House 9, Road 2/2 Banani, Dhaka 1213 Bangladesh Phone: +880 2 989  8011  +88 2 988 6608 Ext. 104 Mobile: +880 1911 746 250 Email:  b.rahman@irri.org Field Locations for IRRI: A.K.M. Ferdous  Email : a.ferdous@irri.org Cell: +8801715026458 General Contact for WorldFish: Afrina Choudhury Portfolio Support Coordinator/ Gender Specialist T: +880-2- 8813250 M: +88 017 154 893 418 House 22B, Rd 7, Block F, Banani F: +880-2-8811151 1213 Dhaka, Bangladesh skype: afrina.choudhury www.worldfishcenter.org Field Locations for WorldFish: Ashoke Kumar Sarker  AK.Sarker@cgiar.org Cell: +8801711375573

It’s not just about the food though. It’s about a lot of things that occur to me. For instance, I was lying in bed one morning briefly pondering getting up and facing a hard work day. (Yes, I work hard when I’m not writing. I do stuff that would make most people crumple into a ball and die.) I looked up at the ceiling and closed one eye. Don’t know why, I just did. Suddenly I am saying ‘thank you’ that I have two eyes. Losing an eye cuts your vision in half. Half your world goes away. Your depth perception is gone. It’s disconcerting to say the least and if something happens you’ve got one eye left and then it’s blindness. There’s no spare. Thank you.

That lead me to think that I should also be grateful no one comes and lifts me out of bed into a wheel chair every day. I just roll and put two good legs on the floor. Thank you.

I found myself watching traffic on the way to work and laughing at the self-entitled, selfish, impatient goofballs who dash past and cut other drivers off in a desperate attempt to get just one more car ahead or run the red lights at intersections. I was thinking it might be nice if all these drivers were a bit more grateful that they have cars and the motorized ability to go wherever they please any time they please. You don’t have to walk, you don’t have to take a urine stained city bus, you don’t have to pay a cab. Say thank you. Better yet, say ‘thank you’ and let someone in front of you, wave them out of a parking lot, slow down and let them in when they are signaling a lane change. You don’t need a day like Thanksgiving to do it.

I am thankful for my health, for the food in my cabinets and refrigerator, the vehicle that starts up on a cold morning and keeps me warm on the way to work and the simple fact that I have a roof over my head and four walls around me. (I’ve had a time or two when that wasn’t so.)

I am grateful on this so-called Thanksgiving Day that I am alive despite the fact that life, at times, can be difficult and lonely. I am thankful on Thanksgiving that I don’t have to buy $800 worth of prescription medication every month to get through the days. I am grateful for all the huge stores nearby where one can get anything they wish as long as they can pay for it. I say thank you that I can go to the gym to work out my frustrations and be a healthier person. Thank you for my readers who take time out of their busy lives to read a thing or two or buy my books. Thank you that there’s even a way to do any of that.

I suppose it would not be such a bad thing to see Thanksgiving banished. What if we were all thankful on Thanksgiving and every other day of the year? What if we stood on a mountain, took a deep breath and said thank you just for being able to do that?

I’m still going to be thankful on Thanksgiving, regardless of the fact that, for me at least, it is no different than any other day of the year. I’m not going anywhere, I am not even going to see another human being today. Such is the nature of my so-called holidays. Nevertheless, I am going to be thankful, tomorrow.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books including his latest novel, Water.


Water is on sale for the holidays. It’s available for all ereaders/tablets and other devices as well as in paperback. Don’t forget to pick up your free ebook copy of Shorts and Other Laundry too. It’s a collection of short stories from the slightly askew brain of Ethan Holmes.




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Water is on sale! Hurry before it runs out!

water-cover-5AI’m sorry, I just had to write that. Yes, the pun was intended. You see, I don’t usually put my books ‘on sale’. Nevertheless, we may write it off to idea that the Christmas spirit has settled upon me early. Well, I say ‘early’ yet it’s only about seven weeks away. Yikes!

I thought it would be a nice gesture, ‘in keeping with the season’, to borrow a phrase from my favorite holiday movie, A Christmas Carol. Water is on sale from now until December 26th for just $2.99 for the Kindle version, ($2.00 off the regular price), and $12.99 for the paperback.

Most bottles of water, especially the fancy ones, cost that much. I must confess I never thought water could be fancy. At least my novel will last longer than a bottle of Perrier on your nightstand. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy it more too.

Water is my latest novel, based on the fresh water shortages which have struck across the globe and across many communities of all sizes.

It was time, long ago, to quit treating water as an infinite resource and with the impunity that many people exhibit when it comes to many things on this unique jewel of a planet we call home.

Water employs fiction as a tool to depict real life and the consequences and ramifications of turning on a faucet and getting splattered with nothing but globs of mud.

Enjoy your water. Ethan Holmes

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books, all of which are available in any ebook reader form you wish. Three of them, Earth’s Blood, Water and Live Your Life in a Crap Free Zone, are available in paperback.

Here is Ethan Holmes’ Amazon author page. Don’t forget to pick up your free ebook copy of Shorts and Other Laundry while you are there. You’re welcome.

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Ethan Holmes Shows His Junk

Ethan Holmes shows his junk, finally.


Yep, I’m putting it out there. Lord have mercy on my soul, hide the women and kids, call the movie censors and tell your grandma to turn her head. No peeking.

If you have read some of my earlier blogs, including the ever popular, Naked For Notoriety, you know that I am on an, as of yet, unending quest for the notoriety required to be a successful author.

Long ago I realized it is not necessary to write a good book. No, what is necessary is to achieve that level of notoriety that causes a million people to buy your books, no matter how good or crappy they may be. (Witness Fifty Shades of Crap.) The motto; A million people cannot buy your book if a million people don’t know you exist. Case in point; Sarah Palin’s daughter, inexplicably, is the author of a best-selling book.

I also realized, long ago, that notoriety is no longer achieved primarily by doing something noteworthy for humanity. Nor does it have to be productive, creative, artful, beneficial in any way or demonstrate any degree of advanced intelligence. In fact, the more stupid it is in today’s so-called digital, data hungry world, the more likely and more rapidly that notoriety may be obtained.


Miley Cyrus won’t keep her clothes on no matter how skanky she looks. Nor will she keep her tongue in her mouth. It seems to inexplicably fall out all the time. Perhaps in another life she was a dog.

Lady Gaga wears clothes. Unfortunately some of them are made of meat. (Does that mean she should be refrigerated?)

Niki Minaj seems to be incapable of wearing clothes without having a ‘wardrobe malfunction’. (I have a whole box of tools and I can fix that.)

Bill Cosby, according to over thirty accusers, can’t seem to keep it in his pants or keep his prescriptions to himself.

Donald Trump runs around shooting his mouth off as though he was attending a Sunday family picnic in the backwoods carrying a black powder musket and some chawin’ terbacky and he leads the polls among Republican candidates. Go figure.

The videos that get the most hits on YouTube and Facebook are the ones with nudity and/or stupid human tricks. (Often a combination of both.)

I digress. I could fill a book with the stupid stuff out there that makes people famous, or should I say infamous. The one thing that seems to make people the most famous is showing their junk. In case you’re one of the sheltered few out there, showing your junk in digital talk means the exposure to the world of things other people probably shouldn’t see. I’m told it happens all the time on so-called dating sites as men get sick of women being on there for nothing other than cyber attention and eye candy. In a desperate attempt to get some response, any response from them, men now habitually send photos of their junk.

This is a hugely popular thing out there in digital zombie land, this showing your junk. If you do it, you will get 300,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook before the day is out. You’ll get a million and a half views on YouTube. And as an added bonus, if you act now, you’ll appear on the evening news and get an invitation to a talk show.

That’s all it takes these days. Just show your junk. The way I figure it, if I show my junk and get a million and a half views, if even half of those people go buy my book I will, at last, be able to quit my day job and write full time. My great temptation is to stand out on the highway, completely naked, holding a sign that says, ‘Will Write For Food”. I guarantee I will have fifty thousand hits on a YouTube video taken by a passing motorist within fifteen minutes. (I’ll also probably have dozens of motorists handing me twenty dollars and begging me to go to Walmart and buy a pair of pants.)

So here it comes. Ethan Holmes shows his junk. I’m putting it out there for the world to see. It’s embarrassing, humiliating and shameful, but I’m doin’ it. I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Wait, no I don’t. I just want the money. So here’s my junk.

ethan holmes junkAllow me to apologize if you are looking at this and you really didn’t want to see it. I realize it could irreparably damage some people’s psyche. Minors should be warned to steer clear of this blog. Nevertheless, there it is, out there for the whole world to see, Ethan Holmes junk.

Hopefully this will go viral. Dozens, perhaps hundreds, will pass this along on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and WhoGivesADamn.

I can see it now, my invitations to The Late Show and The View are on their way. Here comes the royalty checks. Yay me!

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books, including Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, his humorous view of life in general and the choices we make while living it.

Are you the least bit concerned about the water crises affecting not only California, Arizona, Nevada and Texas but the rest of the world? Read Water by Ethan Holmes.


It may be a fictional novel, yet as one reviewer wrote, it may be “eerily prophetic”.

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The Death of Ebooks

You may not know it, yet we are witnessing the death of ebooks. Now, allow me to clarify. I don’t mean you will never see another ebook written, published or sold. I simply see it as a ruined and short-lived concept that is already showing major signs of no longer being a money making industry for the publisher/distributor and the writer.

REASON 1– The changed definition of devices.

ereaders ethan holmes blogDevices like Kindle, Nook, iPad are no longer referred to or used primarily as ereaders. Now they are called tablets and phablets or they are known solely by their brand name. (Example; Kindle is simply called Kindle now, not Kindle ereader.) Smartphones are now used primarily for texting, emailing, instant messaging and other forms of social networking. This explains why cell phone service providers no longer sell packages of talk minutes. Now it’s all about the data.

This has occurred due, in part, to the fact that these devices now perform so many other functions other than being a tool for digital reading. Owning one of these devices means that you are walking around with a relatively small device which is capable of doing anything most bulky, cumbersome laptops could do just two years ago. (Who would have ever thought society would come to think of laptops as bulky and cumbersome?)

These devices enable the owner to share files, listen to music, play games, check the weather, email, text, twitter, take and send photos, take instant videos and upload them to sites like YouTube and a thousand other things I can’t think of at the moment.

REASON 2– Games

games apps ethan holmes blogAs of the date of this blog, in the aptly named Google Play store, which handles and distributes Android applications, 29 of the top 30 apps are games. Among the top 50 free apps there, 24 are games, 22 are apps for listening to music, messaging and social networking of one sort or another and just 4 would be considered utilities.

In iTunes, the Apple version of the Google Play store, 9 of the top 30 apps are games, 2 are utilities and the remaining 19 have something to do with entertainment such as movies and music or some form of social networking, such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

People are consumed and yes, even addicted to games like Candy Crush, Clash of Clans, Bingo and online gambling. Every potential spare moment is now used to whip out a smartphone or tablet and start playing, whether waiting for an order at a restaurant, sitting at the DMV or even going on a date where, apparently, the game has more of your interest than your date. This explains why everywhere you look, a smartphone or tablet has become an appendage to the human hand.

Only a year ago, the top apps on smartphones and tablets were things like CNN, The Weather Channel, Kindle Ereader, Google Maps, Google Earth, iBooks and Epicurious. This is, sadly, no longer the case. The vast majority of people no longer use these devices for intelligent pursuits. Today, it’s all about the need for instantaneous accessibility and entertainment.

REASON 3– The proliferation of junk.

Leave it to humans to screw up a good thing. Writing is a lot like American Idol. The vast majority of people who think they sing well enough ‘to be the next American Idol’ couldn’t sing their way out of the shower. The same goes for would-be authors. Everyone thinks they have a story to tell. Two questions; should the story be told as entertainment for the masses? Can you write well enough to tell the story in a manner that appeals to the masses? The answers are usually ‘NO’ and ‘Hell No!’

It didn’t take long for people to figure out how easy it had become, by 2009, to be a ‘published writer’. As the industry grew and the proliferation of ereaders came to market, more and more people climbed on the haywagon. It took a couple of years, yet anyone with a semi-functional brain could see the junk becoming a rapidly growing issue. Anything from horrendous writing and sentence structure to worse than amateurish cover artwork began to infiltrate the industry. (None of the industry publishers/distributors could or would put a “stupid” filter in place for those alleged writers who could not even figure out how to use ‘spell check’ in their document editor.)

The number one complaint of people who continue to buy and read ebooks is the lack of quality out there. The market has become infested with would-be writers who don’t bother to have a qualified editor go through their work. (Personally, I am profoundly grateful for mine.) Many of these so-called writers also don’t bother to either learn how to, or hire someone to do the graphic artistry for their covers. They get a friend of a friend who used to draw stick people or a retired architect to do the work.

The result of all of this today is the slow and painful death of ebooks. Readers, that is, the people who enjoy reading, are still plentiful. I am thankful that there are many people who want to hold a book in their hands or listen to an audio book. I am grateful that not everyone who walks the planet wants to bang into light poles and stumble into fountains while playing Candy Crush.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books. All are available in ebook format for all ereader/tablet/phablet/smartphones. Three of them, Water, Earth’s Blood and Live Your Life in a Crap Free Zone, are available at Amazon in paperback format.

What do you think of the current ebook market?

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Water by Ethan Holmes


This is Water by Ethan Holmes. Well, that’s me of course. I wrote Water last year. I stopped writing two other novels to write this novel. At the time, a rather nagging little voice deep inside my head kept telling me to do this. I learned a long time ago to listen to that little ‘Jiminy Cricket’ for two reasons. First, it has never been wrong. Second, it won’t leave you alone until you make a choice. If you don’t listen, it repeats “See, I told you so!” 287 times.

Water is a major issue. Many don’t realize that it has been a major and profound issue for decades. Worse still, too many people don’t realize just how grave the situation has become. That is why I was quite happy to see Katie Couric make one of the most intelligent and revealing short documentaries about water shortages that I have seen to date. She’s done her homework; that’s obvious. After watching and reading what she wrote, it’s almost as though she read Water too.

You may watch/read it here.

California seems to get all the publicity about current drought conditions, yet there are many other states and countries undergoing a severe lack of readily available potable water. I’ve written other blogs about this subject along with shocking photos from across the planet. The situation is grave and profoundly disturbing. Water will soon replace precious metals, gems and oil as the most valuable substance on the planet.

What I do in my novel, Water, is fictionalize real life and current events, much as I did in Earth’s Blood. I tell the story of what happens to society and entire towns and cities as the lack of potable water drives people toward their most basic instinct, survival.

Water is composed of entertaining and exciting story lines that demonstrate what will most certainly happen in real life once people realize they can’t get water. It also addresses some of the lesser known causes behind this crises such as fracking and the proliferation of dams in this country that have systematically destroyed the ecosystem this planet needs to remain stable.

Water is available in both ebook and paperback format here at Amazon or in ebook form here on iTunes.

What do you think about the water and drought situation?

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Ethan Holmes Reads A Short Story

Ethan Holmes reads a short story. This is an audio version of  ‘Have Some Milk and Cookies’, a short story about three young middle school boys and how they go about dealing with an older bully.

Billy, Frankie and Dennis are the best of boyhood buddies. Jake likes to prey on the trio, taking their money and bashing them around. One day Billy devises a plan to stop Jake once and for all.

Tap on the player at the bottom of this blog and hear the author, Ethan Holmes read his own story.

This short story is from a ‘best of’ collection of short stories titled Shorts and Other Laundry.

shorts amazon

You may download the entire collection of eight stories for FREE in ebook form via the following links.




SMASHWORDS (for most other reading formats)

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books including his latest novel, Water. It’s available in both ebook and paperback on Amazon and in ebook on all available tablets and reading devices. Tap the book cover to go to Amazon. Click here to see Water in iTunes.

If you wonder what will happen to modern society without the ready availability of potable water, read Ethan Holmes’ latest novel, Water. From fracking, to drought, to watching large communities, cities and towns waste large amounts of water, many of the current issues of the day are addressed in fictional novel format in the exciting new release, Water.


      Have Some Milk and Cookies - BATMAN

The author is currently working on converting Water and Live Your Life in a Crap Free Zone into audio books.

Follow me like a zombie on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads and LinkedIn.

Thank you for visiting and enjoy yourself.

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It’s Spring and I’m Molting

It’s spring and I’m molting…I think. At least that’s what I’m attributing all the itching to unless it’s the simple fact that I finally get to molt my sweat suit off.

I feel like this reindeer looks.

molting reindeer vgPhoto by Valerie Garner

I’ve been walking around in a sweat suit since December. It’s necessary if I don’t want a $300 power bill and a $150 gas bill. Let’s see, $450 in utilities versus a couple of sweat suits at $20 a piece. It’s all about the math.

The trouble with that is, I just spent the last four months freezing my hair follicles anyway. Does anyone besides me wonder why you pay $100 dollar power bill and an $80 gas bill while wearing a sweat suit 24/7 and you’re still cold?

I’m here to testify that setting the thermostat at 65 degrees when it’s 16 degrees outside does not seem to make the heater run less. In fact, it seems to run more. I am continually fascinated by the fact that it will run for half an hour, turn off, and then come right back on two minutes later.

Wait a minute! Did the temperature just drop five degrees in less than a hundred and twenty seconds? The thermostat says it’s 65 degrees, so why is the heat back on? Maybe because the thermostat is lying. It’s not really 65. I can tell because my fingers feel just like the carrots I pulled from the refrigerator and my hair won’t stop standing up.

I wish, in the last four months, I could have figured out how to take a shower in my sweat suit. I could have saved some money all winter and while not having to get naked in a frozen house where the heater was still running my money right out of my bank account. I could have done laundry and showered at the same time.

It was really interesting at meal time too. There’s nothing quite like the sight of icicles hanging off the edge of your coffee cup or watching the steam from it turn to snow. How can you pull a dinner out of a 350 degree oven, put it on a plate, walk away to get some bread and come back to find your meal looking like a frozen TV dinner? Why do my mash potatoes taste like ice cream?

It’s a good thing spring rolls around when it does. I get really tired of being cold all the time! It’s one thing when you work outdoors and you have to be cold, but quite another when you get to go home and be cold too. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t have a wife or girlfriend. I think she would get tired of me looking like I’m set to go on the Iditarod dog race every day.

This looks hot.                                                                                         This does not.

sweatsuit 1 sweatsuit 2

Spring is for molting and not just for animals. It’s a time to take off those sweaters, flannel shirts, sweat suits, hoodies and over-sized pajamas with the bunny feet. It’s a time to shed, to molt and expose the lilly-white skin to the warming rays of sunlight. That is, unless you’re paranoid and listen to the idiot medical industry. They want you to believe the sun, the second reason behind water why life exists on this planet, is bad for you and will immediately cause you to burst out in clusters of melanoma.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy bulk bags of moth balls and begin packing up all my winter clothes. They ought to smell really yummy by December.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books including his latest release, Water. His latest novel is based on the current vital issue of readily available, potable water and what happens in the face of widespread shortage. Tap on the book to see all Ethan Holmes’ books on Amazon.


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Ethan Holmes on Apple iTunes

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Ethan Holmes on Barnes & Noble

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I’m going to go naked for notoriety! I finally figured out what to do. It was an epiphany immediately after being duct-taped to a sagging lawn chair and forced to watch a ten hour slide show of a multitude of so-called celebrities in various states of undress, including the ever popular ‘PLUNGING NECKLINE‘! Like this:

plunging necklines 1I should have warned you to put your highly impressionable kids, pets and parents in a closet first. Mea culpa.

You see, I have a dilemma. I’m a writer, an author of six books. I was hoping that eventually I would be able to put away my tools, implements and machinery of daily life someday soon and replace it with an abundant source of residual income. (In case you didn’t catch that, it basically means I don’t want to shovel seventy two tons of gravel for a living anymore.)

I think I have two choices before me. I don’t see any others but I’m open to suggestions.

The first choice is to hit Powerball after only 6,387,452 attempts.

powerball 1For those who are weak at math or can’t get past the text window on their phone to reach the calculator that means I have to spend nearly THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS first! Yup, good luck with that.

My second choice is much more realistic, however, at times the odds seem just as poor. Three million people can’t buy my books if only three of them know I exist. It’s that simple. It’s all about notoriety. If no one knows you’re there, no one knows what you got. That’s why celebrities do things like this. (I’m still not sure what she’s got other than a tongue that could lick the paint off a bridge.)

mm 1 So, that said, here’s what I’m going to do after I’ve had six gin and tonics, four Percocet and a box of wine. I’m going to remove an article of clothing for every book I sell in the next 90 days.

This is what I look like with clothes on. Pay no attention to tall, dark, well-armed fellow. I’m behind the cactus.

gunfighter5AI should qualify this by saying that since it’s the middle of winter here and the nighttime temperature is known to frequently known to drop into the twenties, I will start out wearing thirty seven layers of clothing, most of them sweats. That should just about empty out the bedroom as well as add forty eight pounds to my athletic frame. I’m going to wear everything from a thong to a winter coat. Oh, wait, I don’t own a thong. Thank the thong gods!

I figure if enough people buy my books, by the end of March I will be naked just in time to work on my tan. Of course, that’s assuming the local cops don’t arrest me. Yes sir, I think this will work out just fine, Naked for Notoriety. (Kinda sounds like a charity drive, don’t it?)

Now of course, this could all turn around on me and bite me in my naked butt. What if people don’t want to see me naked? They could boycott buying my books and then what? I could sweat to death. We can’t have that. So please, join the ‘Naked for Notoriety’ movement. You can even join up with me if you want, although, truth be told, most of us shouldn’t take our clothes off, regardless of what celebrities do.

I’ve come to realize it’s all about “Look at me! I want your attention otherwise I’m nobody just like you.” That’s why so-called celebrities do things like go out of the house with less clothes on than they were sleeping in. They realized, long before I did, that the most productive way to get your attention was to have things like ‘wardrobe malfunctions’, forget to wear pants or underwear and ‘accidentally’ tweet photos of themselves in the shower. Naked for notoriety works every time. Let’s see if it works for me. If not, this is going to be embarrassing.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books; Earth’s Blood, Water, The Keystone, Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, Shorts and Other Laundry and A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes, available in all ebook/ereader formats on Amazon, Apple, Barnes & Noble, Sony and Smashwords.

Earth’s Blood, Water and Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone are also available in paperback.

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goodreads_icon_100x100-2e6356f09ddee43faa7c1e5f88598a97Ethan Holmes on Goodreads

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Fast Food Drive Thru Dating

Fast food drive thru dating; it’s an epiphany I had recently after an experience at a local burger joint.

I realized the comparisons between going through a fast food drive thru and so-called Internet dating sites are eerily similar. Both usually leave me feeling frustrated, unsatisfied, disillusioned and certainly disappointed.

Like Internet dating, I don’t use fast food joints on a regular basis. In fact, like the dating sites, I rarely use them and, like the dating sites, for some particularly  unknown reason, each time I do use them, I expect better results than the last time. To say I’m rarely correct in that assumption would be an understatement. (Remember the old joke, “Hey doc, it’s hurt when I do this.” The doc replies, “Well, quit doing that.”? Maybe I should listen.)

I was in a hurry to get to an appointment I was due at in less than an hour. The very last stop out on the edge of town was a well-known, national chain fast food joint. There would be no other opportunity to grab something to eat until I got to the general area of my appointment fifty miles away.

I ordered a sandwich, nothing else. I had water and snacks in the cooler in the back seat as always. It was a simple order and a simple sandwich, a double cheeseburger. Perhaps I made a huge error in judgement when I asked them to add extra onion. On the visually enticing menu board it sort of looked like this.

double cheeseburger1

Looks pretty good, especially if you’re hungry, yes?

Sadly, the sandwich I got in the bag was not what I ordered. It wasn’t even the correct sandwich. As I pulled it out of the bag while hurtling down the road at 60 mph, I realized this was not going to be a good experience. Unwrapping the burger revealed a hard, crusty sandwich that looked like it had been sitting in the bin for at least four hours. It also appeared as though someone had repeatedly rolled over it in the drive thru. (Does that help to freshen things up?)

It occurred to me, a few days later, that participating in Internet dating sites was eerily similar to my experience with the fast food drive thru.

You pull up and most of the photos look pretty, just like on the menu board. After all, who is going to post photos of themselves at their worst? Wait, what am I saying? People do that all the time on Facebook. Like the fast food joints that post vivid, colorful, vibrant photos of the sandwiches, fries, meals and drinks freshly made, people post photos of themselves from years ago when they were much younger and thinner, freshly made, if you will. They don’t want you to see what they look like now just as the burger joint won’t tell you you’re getting an old sandwich.

Usually, if you go through a fast food drive thru, you’re in a hurry to get somewhere else. I realize now that women on the Internet dating sites are in a hurry too. Many of them treat the dating sites as an afterthought, much like the need for a quick meal on the way to somewhere else. I don’t know where or when it became a matter of convenience to find a quality relationship, but it is today in a society of ‘I want it now’. This goes a long way toward explaining why the new number one complaint of men on dating sites is that women won’t respond to messages. It’s true. Research reveals what the dating sites don’t want you to know. Better than ninety percent of the women on dating sites do not respond to messages received from men. (Ever pull up to a drive thru and no one is there?)

Like the fast food drive thru, it is not uncommon to get something much different on the dating sites than what you wanted when pulled up. Maybe you are looking for someone who considers activity as something more profound than walking through Costco. So why do you only get messages from people who are eighty pounds overweight? Perhaps you want someone with whom you can have stimulating, intelligent conversations and instead you get messages like, “wassup??? LOL!!!” or “UR so Phunny, LMAO!!!”.

Trying to find someone to actually date from a dating site is a lot like eating food from the fast food drive thru. You don’t know if what you chose is going to give you a stomach ache in a little while, taste old and stale, rarely what you’d call delicious. Sometimes you want to go back and get a refund or choose another sandwich in the hopes this time it will be better. Good luck.

Sometimes you get something resembling what you ordered but most times you get something that was pulled from the bin after sitting there for a long time. It’s hard and cold and not very satisfying. It doesn’t even look like what you ordered. What’s up with all the pretty photos? My sandwich didn’t look like that. And what happened to the cheese and extra onion I ordered? Instead, someone put too much mustard and a pile of horseradish on it. It’s not at all like they described it. Sound familiar?

On top of that, I’m holding a coupon that said the sandwich comes with fries and a Coke. Instead, someone slipped in a side of old, greasy onion rings and a diet Pepsi. This is not at all what I ordered. How can they post photos and descriptions of such attractive looking product and then I get this? Where’s the truth in advertising? Again, sound familiar? The same people who use the Internet dating sites in the hopes of actually finding someone, in other words, with actual intent, are asking the same questions they ask about the fast food drive thru. They often end up with a ‘bad sandwich’ like this.

big mac 1I was hungry when I went through the drive thru the other day. I was lonely when I went through the Internet dating site drive thru. Yet again, despite hope, I got the same results when I went to both of them.

I don’t like eating unhealthy, non-organic, genetically modified things like pink slime, cow tissue from unknown sources and milk shakes made from some sort of white liquid vinyl.

I don’t like the idea of dating women who are already lying before I so much as meet them. I don’t like the idea that many of them, through their outright rudeness, are already demonstrating the true nature of their character. You can spend twenty minutes spewing about what a great person you are, however, if you are rude already, then everything you just said is inaccurate.

It all appears to be about the advertising. You are highly unlikely to get a meal accurately resembling the photos on the menu board and you are just as unlikely to get what you’re looking at on a fast food drive thru dating site.

It’s all come to this, my well-founded theory about Internet dating sites. On all of these sites, much like the mouth-watering, Photo-shopped pictures on the drive thru board, it’s all about the eye candy. You’re either the candy or the wrapper and we all know where those end up.

And like fast food drive thru, dating sites are not much different from each other. Sure, some cost more than others, some offer coupons and specials, some will give away free stuff. In the end you still don’t know what you’re driving away with and you don’t know what you’re going to pull out of the bag. And yet you hope.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books.

Get your free copy of Shorts and Other Laundry by Ethan Holmes, a collection of short stories from his slightly askew head. It’s also available in various formats at Smashwords.

Ethan Holmes’ newest novel, Water is available in both ebook and paperback.

Check out Water by Ethan Holmes on Goodreads. goodreads_icon_100x100-2e6356f09ddee43faa7c1e5f88598a97

What would you do if you went to the faucet and nothing came out but mud and air? What would you do if there was no water available anywhere?

water-cover-5APlease become one of Ethan Holmes’ Zombies and follow him here and on Facebook and Twitter.

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