Stupid is what cuts it out there and I suddenly realize I have to go chasing after stupid if I ever hope to realize any substantial success as a writer/author.
I used to say that, as a writer, I hoped to someday be known as a writer who writes well. I have had an epiphany as of late. It doesn’t matter. Being a writer who writes well is not what will buy you success out there. In fact, most people who have become rich, famous and successful have come up with something stupid.
Witness, the Slinky, a toy consisting of nothing more than a spring that apparently fascinated the hell out of millions of humans by ‘walking’ down steps. (Now if they had one that could walk up the steps, that would be something.)
Or how about the Hula Hoop. Now there’s a brain stimulator for you. Exactly how long can you twirl a plastic hoop around your limbs and waist before you begin to think you could be doing something infinitely more productive with your life. Apparently, for many, a really long time.
But wait there’s more! If you order within the next two minutes we’ll also send you other stupid inventions that made people rich, like the Pet Rock, Play-Doh, Koosh Balls, Chia Pets, Anything with a Smiley Face on it, the Foam Finger and any clothing item made for dogs.
Seriously? If you wanted a dragon why didn’t ya just buy a baby alligator from those tourist alligator farms in Florida where stupid people go to watch people more stupid than themselves dangle chickens to tease the ‘gators’?
One of my favorites has to be Bill Gates and Windows. It’s just an opinion that could be argued against but I don’t know any other example in the history of business where you could release a product which later required hundreds of patches and updates and yes, ‘fixes’. Try to get away with that while building and selling a car, a house, a blender or a vacuum cleaner! Nothing like testing your product on the human race to work out all the bugs, kinks, security issues and crashes while charging hundreds of dollars to do it.
Here’s more proof why I need to start chasing after stupid. Do you know why ‘smartphones’ have to be smart? Because the people using them are stupid! They are now banging into each other on the street, in malls, in Walmart and everywhere else because they are insatiably infatuated with whatever is happening on the tiny screen in front of them. They are walking into fountains, slamming into walls, stepping into traffic and plummeting off waterfalls and hiking trails. Stupid people numbering in the millions are now hurtling down the streets and highways in steel and plastic missiles, too busy paying attention to their beloved ‘smartphone’, so much so that they become stupid and kill each other or innocent victims.
I need to write something, preferably a novel, that is about something stupid. I’m thinking a book about cross-dressing, transvestite, lesbian vampire zombies. Yea, that’s the ticket. After all, if a piece of trash like Fifty Shades of Garbage can make a person millions then why not a post-apocalyptic story about the destruction of the human race through a pandemic infection of venereal disease brought to you by, you guessed it, a bunch of cross-dressing, transvestite, lesbian vampire zombies roaming the planet and holding parades because they’re proud.
The master, George Carlin, said, “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” I’m with him.
I’m chasing after stupid but the problem is I don’t really want to catch it. It’s rather the same thinking that has me exerting extreme effort not to be one of those stupid, abusive, selfish, non-affectionate, beer swilling, burping, farting jerks that so many women choose to stay in a relationship with rather than go out after a good guy like me. I observe that it works and yet I don’t want to participate. What to do, what to do?
I’m writing another novel. It’s not about cross-dressing, transvestite, lesbian vampire zombies. Maybe I should re-think this and come up with a way to slip a few in there. After all, it’s about mass audience appeal, right?
Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to go out and start chasing after stupid.
Ethan Holmes is the author of Earth’s Blood, The Keystone, Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, Shorts and Other Laundry and A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes. You can check out his Amazon site or Smashwords. All of Ethan Holmes books are available on just about any Ereader including Apple, Kindle, Nook and Sony. Earth’s Blood and Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone are also available in paperback at Amazon.
You can get a FREE copy of his ‘best of’ collection of short stories, Shorts and Other Laundry, at Amazon and Smashwords.