My empty Christmas stocking…, and even that I had to borrow.
So the “Fat Guy” in the red suit came down the chimney Christmas Eve. Well, either somethin’ ain’t right or I must have been one hell of a bad boy this past year, ’cause I ended up with nothin’. Not a thing under the tree and an empty Christmas stocking.
Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have a chimney. So now what’s the guy gonna do? Break in my front door? Good way to get shot up. (Dear Fat Guy, caution, I’m a light sleeper and no, I did not leave you any cookies. I ate them all. You get the low-fat milk.) Frankly, I have hard time believing a fat guy can slip down anyone’s chimney, especially if he’s carryin’ a sack of goods he took from other houses.
And maybe it doesn’t help that I don’t wear stockings. (Never did get into that cross-dressing thing.) I don’t own any, I don’t want to buy any and I borrowed the one you see above.
It’s probably not a good thing that I don’t believe in flying reindeer except for that one year when one of my neighbors gave me some rather funny tasting cupcakes for Christmas. Then I saw all kinds of ‘flying things’. And this brings up questions of the fat guy’s dealings with the vaunted TSA. Do they feel his crotch too before he takes off?
I didn’t have a tree either since nothing larger than me fits through the front door and the landlord probably wouldn’t allow it anyway. (Somethin’ about pine needles, sugar water and sap all over his bargain basement, third run, chemical spewing indoor/outdoor living room carpet.)
I never ask anyone to buy me anything or tell them what I really want. Even I can’t afford it. (Have your camera ready and just watch the look on their face when you tell ’em you’d really like a new truck for Christmas.)
I certainly didn’t hang any lights this year. (Hey, maybe that’s what happened. The fat guy slipped past me in the dark.) I can barely afford the power bill now while keeping the house just warm enough to melt the ice on the top of my morning coffee. I don’t even want to know what it would cost to run a string of highly inefficient incandescent bulbs I bought forty seven years ago. And I can’t afford the new strings of LED Christmas lights which apparently are on sale at Target at just $189.99 a string, but only if you buy three or more and don’t mind your credit card being hacked.
I didn’t get a darn thing I wanted for Christmas. Well, I take that back. I bought myself the new truck. I only had to come up with enough financing to ensure that I will still be making the payments while I’m drooling rice pudding and playing Wednesday afternoon Bingo at the nursing home. At that point I won’t even have the license to drive it anymore and I won’t remember why I even bought the damn thing. But who cares, I’ll be taking my nap.
If you know anyone who is available for a New Year’s Eve date please call me after you have had her fill out a background check and gun permit application. I prefer the ones that check the ‘Yes’ box for mental illness.
Despite the fact that I didn’t get any presents, I’m handing out presents this holiday season and I’m not even a fat guy. If you would like a free copy of my collection of short stories, Shorts and Other Laundry, you are most welcome to unwrap it at your convenience.
Here is the Amazon Kindle Link.
For those of you who would like your present in other digital formats, here is the link to Smashwords where you may get it in just about any other format absolutely free.
Ethan Holmes is the author of Earth’s Blood, The Keystone, Shorts and Other Laundry, A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes and Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone.
Follow Ethan Holmes on Twitter, Facebook or right here on his blog/podcast.
May you have good fortune in the coming new year.