Ethan Holmes Shows His Junk

Ethan Holmes shows his junk, finally.

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Yep, I’m putting it out there. Lord have mercy on my soul, hide the women and kids, call the movie censors and tell your grandma to turn her head. No peeking.

If you have read some of my earlier blogs, including the ever popular, Naked For Notoriety, you know that I am on an, as of yet, unending quest for the notoriety required to be a successful author.

Long ago I realized it is not necessary to write a good book. No, what is necessary is to achieve that level of notoriety that causes a million people to buy your books, no matter how good or crappy they may be. (Witness Fifty Shades of Crap.) The motto; A million people cannot buy your book if a million people don’t know you exist. Case in point; Sarah Palin’s daughter, inexplicably, is the author of a best-selling book.

I also realized, long ago, that notoriety is no longer achieved primarily by doing something noteworthy for humanity. Nor does it have to be productive, creative, artful, beneficial in any way or demonstrate any degree of advanced intelligence. In fact, the more stupid it is in today’s so-called digital, data hungry world, the more likely and more rapidly that notoriety may be obtained.

Examples:

Miley Cyrus won’t keep her clothes on no matter how skanky she looks. Nor will she keep her tongue in her mouth. It seems to inexplicably fall out all the time. Perhaps in another life she was a dog.

Lady Gaga wears clothes. Unfortunately some of them are made of meat. (Does that mean she should be refrigerated?)

Niki Minaj seems to be incapable of wearing clothes without having a ‘wardrobe malfunction’. (I have a whole box of tools and I can fix that.)

Bill Cosby, according to over thirty accusers, can’t seem to keep it in his pants or keep his prescriptions to himself.

Donald Trump runs around shooting his mouth off as though he was attending a Sunday family picnic in the backwoods carrying a black powder musket and some chawin’ terbacky and he leads the polls among Republican candidates. Go figure.

The videos that get the most hits on YouTube and Facebook are the ones with nudity and/or stupid human tricks. (Often a combination of both.)

I digress. I could fill a book with the stupid stuff out there that makes people famous, or should I say infamous. The one thing that seems to make people the most famous is showing their junk. In case you’re one of the sheltered few out there, showing your junk in digital talk means the exposure to the world of things other people probably shouldn’t see. I’m told it happens all the time on so-called dating sites as men get sick of women being on there for nothing other than cyber attention and eye candy. In a desperate attempt to get some response, any response from them, men now habitually send photos of their junk.

This is a hugely popular thing out there in digital zombie land, this showing your junk. If you do it, you will get 300,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook before the day is out. You’ll get a million and a half views on YouTube. And as an added bonus, if you act now, you’ll appear on the evening news and get an invitation to a talk show.

That’s all it takes these days. Just show your junk. The way I figure it, if I show my junk and get a million and a half views, if even half of those people go buy my book I will, at last, be able to quit my day job and write full time. My great temptation is to stand out on the highway, completely naked, holding a sign that says, ‘Will Write For Food”. I guarantee I will have fifty thousand hits on a YouTube video taken by a passing motorist within fifteen minutes. (I’ll also probably have dozens of motorists handing me twenty dollars and begging me to go to Walmart and buy a pair of pants.)

So here it comes. Ethan Holmes shows his junk. I’m putting it out there for the world to see. It’s embarrassing, humiliating and shameful, but I’m doin’ it. I want my fifteen minutes of fame. Wait, no I don’t. I just want the money. So here’s my junk.

ethan holmes junkAllow me to apologize if you are looking at this and you really didn’t want to see it. I realize it could irreparably damage some people’s psyche. Minors should be warned to steer clear of this blog. Nevertheless, there it is, out there for the whole world to see, Ethan Holmes junk.

Hopefully this will go viral. Dozens, perhaps hundreds, will pass this along on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and WhoGivesADamn.

I can see it now, my invitations to The Late Show and The View are on their way. Here comes the royalty checks. Yay me!

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books, including Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, his humorous view of life in general and the choices we make while living it.

Are you the least bit concerned about the water crises affecting not only California, Arizona, Nevada and Texas but the rest of the world? Read Water by Ethan Holmes.

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It may be a fictional novel, yet as one reviewer wrote, it may be “eerily prophetic”.

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About Ethan Holmes

Ethan Holmes currently resides in Northern Arizona and he is the author of seven published books; Earth's Blood, The Keystone, A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes, Shorts and Other Laundry, Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, Water. and his new novella, The Town of Perfect. When he is not writing Ethan is also a professional freelance nature photographer.
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