I’m going to go naked for notoriety! I finally figured out what to do. It was an epiphany immediately after being duct-taped to a sagging lawn chair and forced to watch a ten hour slide show of a multitude of so-called celebrities in various states of undress, including the ever popular ‘PLUNGING NECKLINE‘! Like this:
I should have warned you to put your highly impressionable kids, pets and parents in a closet first. Mea culpa.
You see, I have a dilemma. I’m a writer, an author of six books. I was hoping that eventually I would be able to put away my tools, implements and machinery of daily life someday soon and replace it with an abundant source of residual income. (In case you didn’t catch that, it basically means I don’t want to shovel seventy two tons of gravel for a living anymore.)
I think I have two choices before me. I don’t see any others but I’m open to suggestions.
The first choice is to hit Powerball after only 6,387,452 attempts.
For those who are weak at math or can’t get past the text window on their phone to reach the calculator that means I have to spend nearly THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS first! Yup, good luck with that.
My second choice is much more realistic, however, at times the odds seem just as poor. Three million people can’t buy my books if only three of them know I exist. It’s that simple. It’s all about notoriety. If no one knows you’re there, no one knows what you got. That’s why celebrities do things like this. (I’m still not sure what she’s got other than a tongue that could lick the paint off a bridge.)
So, that said, here’s what I’m going to do after I’ve had six gin and tonics, four Percocet and a box of wine. I’m going to remove an article of clothing for every book I sell in the next 90 days.
This is what I look like with clothes on. Pay no attention to tall, dark, well-armed fellow. I’m behind the cactus.
I should qualify this by saying that since it’s the middle of winter here and the nighttime temperature is known to frequently known to drop into the twenties, I will start out wearing thirty seven layers of clothing, most of them sweats. That should just about empty out the bedroom as well as add forty eight pounds to my athletic frame. I’m going to wear everything from a thong to a winter coat. Oh, wait, I don’t own a thong. Thank the thong gods!
I figure if enough people buy my books, by the end of March I will be naked just in time to work on my tan. Of course, that’s assuming the local cops don’t arrest me. Yes sir, I think this will work out just fine, Naked for Notoriety. (Kinda sounds like a charity drive, don’t it?)
Now of course, this could all turn around on me and bite me in my naked butt. What if people don’t want to see me naked? They could boycott buying my books and then what? I could sweat to death. We can’t have that. So please, join the ‘Naked for Notoriety’ movement. You can even join up with me if you want, although, truth be told, most of us shouldn’t take our clothes off, regardless of what celebrities do.
I’ve come to realize it’s all about “Look at me! I want your attention otherwise I’m nobody just like you.” That’s why so-called celebrities do things like go out of the house with less clothes on than they were sleeping in. They realized, long before I did, that the most productive way to get your attention was to have things like ‘wardrobe malfunctions’, forget to wear pants or underwear and ‘accidentally’ tweet photos of themselves in the shower. Naked for notoriety works every time. Let’s see if it works for me. If not, this is going to be embarrassing.
Ethan Holmes is the author of six books; Earth’s Blood, Water, The Keystone, Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, Shorts and Other Laundry and A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes, available in all ebook/ereader formats on Amazon, Apple, Barnes & Noble, Sony and Smashwords.
Earth’s Blood, Water and Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone are also available in paperback.
Become one of Ethan Holmes’ zombies and follow me everywhere.