It’s Spring and I’m Molting

It’s spring and I’m molting…I think. At least that’s what I’m attributing all the itching to unless it’s the simple fact that I finally get to molt my sweat suit off.

I feel like this reindeer looks.

Photo by Valerie Garner

I’ve been walking around in a sweat suit since December. It’s necessary if I don’t want a $300 power bill and a $150 gas bill. Let’s see, $450 in utilities versus a couple of sweat suits at $20 a piece. It’s all about the math.

The trouble with that is, I just spent the last four months freezing my hair follicles anyway. Does anyone besides me wonder why you pay $100 dollar power bill and an $80 gas bill while wearing a sweat suit 24/7 and you’re still cold?

I’m here to testify that setting the thermostat at 65 degrees when it’s 16 degrees outside does not seem to make the heater run less. In fact, it seems to run more. I am continually fascinated by the fact that it will run for half an hour, turn off, and then come right back on two minutes later.

Wait a minute! Did the temperature just drop five degrees in less than a hundred and twenty seconds? The thermostat says it’s 65 degrees, so why is the heat back on? Maybe because the thermostat is lying. It’s not really 65. I can tell because my fingers feel just like the carrots I pulled from the refrigerator and my hair won’t stop standing up.

I wish, in the last four months, I could have figured out how to take a shower in my sweat suit. I could have saved some money all winter and while not having to get naked in a frozen house where the heater was still running my money right out of my bank account. I could have done laundry and showered at the same time.

It was really interesting at meal time too. There’s nothing quite like the sight of icicles hanging off the edge of your coffee cup or watching the steam from it turn to snow. How can you pull a dinner out of a 350 degree oven, put it on a plate, walk away to get some bread and come back to find your meal looking like a frozen TV dinner? Why do my mash potatoes taste like ice cream?

It’s a good thing spring rolls around when it does. I get really tired of being cold all the time! It’s one thing when you work outdoors and you have to be cold, but quite another when you get to go home and be cold too. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t have a wife or girlfriend. I think she would get tired of me looking like I’m set to go on the Iditarod dog race every day.

This looks hot. This does not.

Spring is for molting and not just for animals. It’s a time to take off those sweaters, flannel shirts, sweat suits, hoodies and over-sized pajamas with the bunny feet. It’s a time to shed, to molt and expose the lilly-white skin to the warming rays of sunlight. That is, unless you’re paranoid and listen to the idiot medical industry. They want you to believe the sun, the second reason behind water why life exists on this planet, is bad for you and will immediately cause you to burst out in clusters of melanoma.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy bulk bags of moth balls and begin packing up all my winter clothes. They ought to smell really yummy by December.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books including his latest release, Water. His latest novel is based on the current vital issue of readily available, potable water and what happens in the face of widespread shortage. Tap on the book to see all Ethan Holmes’ books on Amazon.