Smartphones Stupid Zombies

smart phones stupid zombies 1Smartphones, Stupid Zombies

I have a theory about so-called ‘smartphones’. I think they have to be smart since the people using them appear to be getting more stupid. In fact, in a recent interview with a group of old generation zombies, I was told that they were no longer after the brains of ‘regular’ people because they are now completely lacking nutritional value.

The masses have become so dependent on their smartphones that their brains rapidly deteriorate from lack of use. This leads to them becoming zombies themselves but they are of little use to anyone else, including for brain-eating nutrition.

It’s estimated that over 2 billion people on the planet now have cell phones. Most of them are smartphones since the ordinary flip, basic function cell phone is rapidly becoming obsolete.

old flip phone1Remember these?

If it doesn’t check the weather at your mother’s house, scan products at the store, fetch you on-line coupons, bring you mind-numbing and depressing news headlines instantly, 24 hours a day, tweet, instant message and take ‘selfies’ it’s just not worth having. Smartphones are even more alluring now because they can alert you every 3.8 seconds that you, self-important as you are, have 34 new emails awaiting your immediate attention right after you’re through with those 28 instant messages, 56 tweets, 127 friend requests and a partridge in a pear tree.

Smartphone zombies go into immediate, full-blown panic when they reach for their phone in their pocket, purse or car and it’s not there. They have a look on their faces like someone told them their mother just died in a horrible plane crash.

I watched a documentary recently in which an independent film maker conducted an informal study. He timed how long it took a person to reach for, look for and answer their phone when it notified them of a text message. To a person, (or should I say, zombie?), it took less than 5.4 seconds average. The zombies would drop everything, including their children if that phone went off.

Just to help self-diagnose whether you might be a smartphone zombie, here are ten warning signs/symptoms.

10- You answer or look at your phone while you are physically talking to someone else.

9- You won’t put the phone down while you’re dealing with a cashier in any commercial venue.

8- You cannot leave the house unless you use the phone to check the weather for the next ten days.

7- You cannot call a single member of your family or any of your friends without hitting Contacts in your phone.

6- You don’t know what you would do if you couldn’t take at least four ‘selfies’ a day and send them to people who don’t care.

5- You can’t go six minutes without ‘twittering’ or posting something innocuous on Facebook.

4- Your heart actually stops when you reach into your pocket or purse and you feel nothing there.

3- You spend more time each week searching for your phone than you do with your kids.

2- You think about where your phone is at least six times a day and make every effort to make sure it’s never more than five feet away.

And the number one warning sign that you are a smartphone zombie?


cell phone toiletHow would you like to do a swab on those phones?

I don’t go on too many dates, mainly because there isn’t much of a market where I live. However, my new rule is this; if you can’t leave your cell phone alone for three minutes while we’re on a date, I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. Who knew that cell phones could actually become a form of birth control? Well, it’s okay. I was never very attracted to zombies anyway. They act like they’re dead.

There is no doubt that smartphones are making people stupid. Did you know that over a third of smartphone users lose or damage their phones? That’s why the cell companies love to sell device insurance. Did you know that over half the zombies out there don’t think they are addicted to their devices and that a quarter of them don’t care if they are addicted?

Society is becoming disconnected while thinking they are more connected than ever before. Families of zombies go out to dinner and everyone at the table is busy pecking away on their phones. Zombies go to the movies and the theater looks like a firefly convention. Zombies are walking off cliffs, into water fountains, street poles and each other because they won’t put their phones down and look around at life.

Worst of all, they won’t leave the phone alone while driving. They are crashing into each other and killing pedestrians, bicyclists, fellow drivers and other zombies. Apparently that’s the new method of killing zombies…with your car.

I’m certain that evolution will soon play a roll in all of this. Babies will be born with smartphone components embedded in their heads. Eventually, humans will be born with full cell phone capability. All you’ll need to do as parents is take them to Verizon and get them activated. Just make sure you get a warranty.

I wrote a short story about that subject years ago titled Make & Model. It’s part of a collection of my best short stories and you can read it and the rest of them for free. Go get your free copy of Shorts and Other Laundry here at Amazon or here at Smashwords. It’s also available on just about any other ebook reader including Apple.

See what Ethan Holmes thinks about the vital issue of potable water in his latest novel available in both ebook and paperback:




About Ethan Holmes

Ethan Holmes currently resides in Northern Arizona and he is the author of seven published books; Earth's Blood, The Keystone, A Multi-Pack of Brain Flakes, Shorts and Other Laundry, Live Your Life In A Crap Free Zone, Water. and his new novella, The Town of Perfect. When he is not writing Ethan is also a professional freelance nature photographer.
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