Ten Things That Burn My Biscuits

I have ten things that burn my biscuits. Actually, I lied. (You’re supposed to lie on the Internet, aren’t you? It’s the Internet.)

I have way more than ten things that burn my biscuits. I’m going to limit it to ten things just so you don’t burn your biscuits.

10- The latest thing to burn my biscuits is the biggest news story of the last few months, Donald Trump. I’d like to say I don’t understand why millions of people are going to the polls and voting for Mr. Trump, but I do. Okay, so he shoots his mouth off and says things you wish you could say to your least favorite politicians and leaders. But take a man who has declared bankruptcy three times, starts fake universities, can’t stay married to the same woman and can’t control himself and make him president of the country??? Now politicians are jumping on the Trump bandwagon and endorsing this blowhard. Go figure.

9- Watching novels, (and I use the term loosely,) like Fifty Shades of Garbage get published, made into a movie and make the ‘author’ filthy rich burns my biscuits until you can’t tell they were biscuits.

8- Realizing that people no longer use the amazing technological devices they are addicted to for anything intelligent or educational. E-readers, tablets and so-called ‘smartphones’ have become nothing more than gaming, texting and photo devices.

7- Something as stupid as a “selfie stick” can turn you into a millionaire over night.

6- It burns my biscuits to know beyond any uncertainty that the only way to get the notoriety required to become a ‘successful’ author is to get on social networking and do the following; get naked, do something stupid that nearly kills you, post photos of your pet licking the inside of your mouth out.

5- People who absolutely, positively must be ahead of you in traffic, no matter what, are enough to burn anyone’s biscuits.

4- People who won’t put their phones down no matter what. I actually watched a guy go into a public restroom, desperately clutching his phone in one hand. He used the urinal while conversing, went over to the sink and rinsed his free hand, wiped it on his pants and walked out while still talking. I watch them wander into my lane, bash me with their shopping carts and try to converse or text while shoving food in their face. Yikes!

3- You want to burn my biscuits? Change your mind 42 times. I’ve worked retail, run businesses and treated people to ice cream cones. If you can’t make up your mind in two minutes there are too many flavors for you.

2- Burn my biscuits and call something anything but what it is. There is no such thing as thick or BBW when describing one’s figure. Thick is for steak or how you want your garlic bologna cut at the deli. The same goes for the phrase, ‘a few extra pounds’ or ‘smokes occasionally’. You either smoke or ya don’t!

1- Manners have disappeared along with the phone booth, the typewriter and the Dodo bird. It burns my biscuits when people can’t even come up with an ‘excuse me’ when they cut right across in front of you while you are looking to pick up something on a store shelf. Or better yet, hold the door open in a public place and watch six women pass through and not one of them can come up with a ‘thank you’.

That’s it, my biscuits are burned. Now I’m gonna make blueberry pancakes.

Ethan Holmes is the author of six books, including his latest novel, Water, available in paperback as well as ebook.